


Karkat Vantas: Biographer?

by Seekingtheoblivion



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Biographer!Karkat, Boats, Humanstuck, M/M, Near Drowning, Producer!Dave, Writer!Karkat, and then kind of even out, boy things escalate quickly, in which karkat is a biographer writing about famous daves(lol) life and eventually fall in love, more to be added later i'm sure, or so thats the plan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-03-20 23:50:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13728630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seekingtheoblivion/pseuds/Seekingtheoblivion
Summary: Karkat Vantas has found a mission. To become the biographer of famous producer, Dave Strider. And he is going to do it in the middle of the ocean.Wherein, Karkat has a ridiculous idea and the fallout leads to new friendships, possible hijinks, and maybe even the love of his life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy! It's been awhile since I've posted a fic and I finally had another idea I want to write about. :) Enjoy the adventure!

“Mr. Strider, Mr. Strider! A moment of your time?”

A tall, olive skinned man with bleach blond hair and sunglasses turned to face the speaker.

“Aww, of course. Anything for you, Ms…?”

The speaker, a pretty young woman holding a microphone, blushed. “Ashley Newcomb, with Entertainment Now. Mr. Strider, the world can’t help but be astounded by your meteoric rise to the top of the producing industry. Music, movies, you name it and you produce it. Have you ever thought about publishing or producing your life’s story?”

Mr. Strider paused for a moment, seeming to take the question seriously. Then he flashed a grin, revealing perfect teeth. “Say there is a claw machine at the arcade, but the best stuffed animal everyone really wants is at the bottom of the machine. Seriously, it is like, Pikachu times… I dunno, Spongebob. Oh wait, no that’s the most horrible thing ever. Anyway, it is going to have to take someone who _really_ BEEEEEP wants that stuffed animal. And has a lot of quarters. In order for me to pop that particular cherry.”

Ashley Newcomb visibly has to take a moment to try to make sense of what is happening. She fails. “Oookay! Right. Do you have any exciting projects coming up?”

“Eventually, yeah. But pretty soon here I am going to be heading to Bronze Bay to catch up on some relaxation. All this ‘meteoric rising’ can get to a dude, lol.”

Clearly this impromptu interview was not going as Ms. Newcomb had expected. Nevertheless, the savvy viewer could see her slip a piece of paper with a couple of numbers and a “all..e!” showing.

“Um, well thank you for speaking with me. All of us at Entertainment Now look forward to seeing what you do next!”

The interview on the television ended. In a little café in aforementioned city, an idea was sparked.

*****  
Karkat Vantas had found a mission. 

He had watched the bizarre and vomit-inducing interview of Dave Strider while he was at his friend, Nepeta’s café. Nevertheless, it had given him an idea.  
He was going to become the biographer of renowned producer Dave Strider. And he was going to do it in the middle of the ocean.

“Okay, so maybe it has a few flaws.” Karkat said. “But I know 100% that this plan is going to fucking work.”

“….You’re an idiot.” Terezi, who was sitting across from him, massaged her temples. Terezi put her head in her hands at their table and shook them all back and forth. Karkat had to pick up his drink in order to make sure it didn’t spill.

“Maybe so, but I have nothing left to lose.” He straightened. “ALSO. Also. You know that this happenstance meeting upon the high seas with the” Karkat made quotes with his middle fingers “ ‘illustrious’ Dave Strider will spawn the biography that will be the shining moment of my career.”

Terezi looked back up. “You will be lucky if he even talks to you.”

Karkat gestured expansively, almost knocking his drink over. “They will probably make a musical out it.”

“You might get arrested for being a creepy stalker.” 

“Dave Strider, The Musical That’s Only a Musical Because the Biography Was So Good: The Musical?”

“In fact, I think you absolutely WILL get arrested for being a creepy stalker.”

“The Producer (Not to Be Confused With Not As Good, The Producers).”

Terezi grabbed Karkat’s shoulders. “Knock it the fuck off! You literally could be arrested. What is Dave Strider going to say when you arrive at his yacht?” Terezi affected a fancy accent “Oh hello sexy stranger, please come aboard my yacht and let me tell you all my life’s secrets.”

Karkat wriggled in Terezi’s grip and rolled his eyes. “Well, obviously not. But I will fuck myself raw on the molten stalagmites in the ninth circle of hell before I let this opportunity pass by without trying anything.”

Terezi leaned back a little, frustrated. “You know your decision’s have consequences, right? Why don’t you just try another job for a while until you land on your feet? And I don’t know, not fucking dead or lost in the middle of the ocean. OR GODDAMN ARRESTED.”

Karkat shook off Terezi’s grip, also getting frustrated. “Look,” He said. “I know you don’t get it. But there is something…ah fuck. Just, I need to prove that I can do this. Not just convincing him, but actually writing the biography. I’m tired of fucking failing, okay?”

A sigh escaped Terezi’s lips. “I know. I just worry about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

Karkat put his hand on top of his friend’s. “Trust me, Terezi. I know what I’m doing.”


	2. Is this plan really that creepy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes it is.

Later, as he waited outside the bay in his rented powerboat, Karkat wondered if that was exactly true. So far there had been no signs of Dave Strider’s yacht go by. He had done his research and was sure this was where he was supposed to pass. Another half hour went by and he was about to give up hope when lo and behold, there was Dave Strider’s yacht. Though Karkat had seen pictures of it online, he was still surprised at how nondescript it looked. Maybe it was this rich asshole’s ‘incognito’ yacht. Jesus. Just that phrase made Karkat’s skin crawl. Karkat guided his boat a more or less respectful distance behind the yacht. 

About fifteen minutes later, the yacht came to a stop. Karkat waited a few minutes and when he couldn’t hold back any longer, he drew his boat close. The sound of his boat’s engine drew Dave Strider to the side to watch curiously. 

Karkat stood up and waved, albeit a bit belligerently. “Uh, hey.”

Karakt cringed at himself. He was starting to feel as creepy as Terezi said he was. With every second that passed, he regretted this idea more. 

Strider tentatively waved back. “Hey. Can I help you?”

“Hey. Uh. Okay.” Karkat bolstered himself. He was here to get the doggamn job of a lifetime. Wait, goddamn, FUCK! “I’m Karkat Vantas. I’m a writer and I’ve, uh, followed your work. You’ve uh, done some fucking stuff, huh.”

Strider’s eyebrow’s rose above the shades he seemed to be perpetually wearing. “Yeah, I suppose.”

There was an awkward silence for a few moments while Karkat frantically and internally, screamed at his brain to work. 

Strider shifted back and forth on his feet. “Listen, do you need help, bro?”

After another moment to shift the conversation outwards again, Karkat responded. “Um, no?”

Strider continued to question. “Your boat is fully functioning?”

“Yes?” Karkat could only seem to respond in questions, even though it made him hate himself.

“Do you have any reason to approach my boat..er..yacht?”

“YES!” Karkat cleared his throat. “Yes, I do. I am the person who will do your biography.”

“What?” The eyebrows were back. The statement had clearly thrown Strider for a loop. ”Yeah, no. Turns out I am the person who gets to decide that.” Strider interrupted. He shook his head. “You are one weird fucking dude.” With that, Strider turned away from Karkat.

“WAIT!" Karkat flailed and shouted after Strider as he walked quickly to the helm of his boat. Strider powered up his yacht and steered it away from where Karkat had stopped.

“Putrid cockeating assmaggots!” Karkat cursed and ran for the engine controls. He swiftly pushed the controls and guided the boat after Strider’s. Strider’s yacht sped up, expertly dodging a buoy in what Karkat could only assume to be an attempt to lose Karkat’s boat. Karkat’s smaller vessel rocked and bumped on the waves, but he pushed forward, narrowly missing the edge of the buoy. He was still far behind and needed to race to catch up. 

After a few minutes, Strider’s yacht had slowed down and as Karkat drew closer he could hear loud cursing coming from the helm. Frantic and more than a little stressed, Karkat drew his boat in as close as he could.

Karkat yelled out, “Hey, shit-for-brains! I just want to talk to you about becoming your biographer. Swaddle yourself in a baby blanket and calm the fuck down!”

Strider poked his head outside to look incredulously at Karkat. “Dude. You are chasing me at dangerously high speeds in the middle of the deserted fucking ocean…in order to talk about becoming my biographer?!” He threw his hands up in disbelief. “You are insane! Like when people spend the night in haunted abandoned asylums even though they KNOW they are obviously going to die! Come on Deborah, that sound wasn’t a rat, it was a ghost and it is going to eat your face!” Strider blinked, taking a second to come back to the moment. “Anyway, even if I were to be persuaded by this stunt instead of submitting your picture to the FBI Major Creeps Division, I wouldn’t just hire you without reading any of your work.”

Karkat straightened his spine, here was his opening. “Okay, two things. First off, ghosts don’t eat your face, that’s just stupid. They just like, go in you and stop your heart. Secondly, you mean examples? I have some with me. I can show you them right now if you want.”

Strider held his hands up “Oh no you don’t. Nobody who is a boat creep AND has a wrong opinion on ghosts is writing my biography, that’s for fucking sure.” He paused, giving Karkat a onceover. “It’s too bad you are so batshit. You are pretty cute.” With what Karkat was sure was supposed to be a wink behind the sunglasses, Strider was back at the controls in a flash and his yacht was racing along the restless sea.

Karkat stood still for a moment, emotions roiling. Karkat could readily admit (to himself) that what he did was creepy. But being called out on it repeatedly, then rejected, and then..flirted with? Was too much. Strider made it clear he was done, but Karkat not only needed this break in his career, he needed to deal with this self-fellating lobotomized barfmonster. Karkat knew he was capable enough, and this could benefit them both. He would show Strider what he could do.

His determination back in force, Karkat guided the boat back after Strider. After a few minutes, it was getting more difficult to catch up. Strider must have caught sight of them following his again. Karkat, set on attaining his goal, pushed the speed up even more. Slowly, he started to gain on Strider.

“Okay, you sweatguzzling halfwit. I just want to talk to you.” Karkat muttered aloud as he amped up the speed. The wind buffeted his face and he could feel his heart pounding even through the breaking of the waves against the hull. This was the fastest he had ever driven a boat before. He shouldn’t be going this fast now. Sweat beaded on his brow. He really shouldn’t have been allowed to rent this boat.

He followed the yacht at this speed for several minutes before Dave slowed down then sharply turned his yacht to the left. Taken by surprise, Karkat turned the wheel to follow suit, but neglected to reduce his speed. Before he could react, the force of the turn coupled with the pounding of the waves knocked Karkat off his feet and away from the controls. He frantically scrambled to stand up. He grasped out and caught the handlebar on the side and pulled himself up, but another wave caught from Dave’s yacht smacked into his wayward boat and he toppled overboard and into the choppy water before he even had time to scream. With his breathe knocked out of his lungs, Karkat hung suspended in the chilly water for a moment before instinct kicked in and he surged upward for air. He broke the surface and gasped.

Karkat took in great lungs full of air and tried to contain his panic. He kicked off his shoes to make it easier to float, then looked around for his boat. His heart sinking in his chest, he saw that it was at least a hundred yards away. 

Oh fuck.

He mentally shook himself, he could do this. It was time to get swimming. 

He was about a quarter of the way to his boat when he felt a twinge in his foot. Anxiety creeping into his skull, he tried to ignore it and push on. Karkat got about another 5 yards when a sharp pain shot up his arch and calf and he had to cry out. Focused on his cramp, Karkat forgot to paddle with his other leg and he briefly went under, inhaling some seawater. Sputtering and gagging, he struggled to maintain floatation as the muscles in his foot and calve seized up. 

Karkat was about to go under again when something bright orange smacked into his shoulder, causing his to submerge briefly but grab on to this lifeline before he could even think. As his brain caught up to his actions, he realized this was a life preserver. Surely Strider hadn’t come back for him? Why would he do that? Karkat looked to see that it was indeed Strider’s yacht and Strider himself that had thrown the life preserver. 

“Hold on tight, I will pull you close to the yacht. These are handlebars on the side that you can climb up, if you are able?” Strider called down.

Karkat nodded dumbly, then realized Strider might not be able to see. “Y-yeah. I’ll manage.” He called out.

Clutching the life preserver, Karkat rubbed his cramping leg with the other as he was pulled closer to the yacht. It didn’t really help, but at least he wasn’t in danger of drowning anymore. After a few moments, he made it to the ladder and was able to climb his way up despite his leg. Dave helped pull him over and wrapped him in a towel, which made Karkat realize how stiff and cold he was. He sunk down to the floor of the yacht and groaned, massaging his calf. 

Dave knelt in front of his and held his hand out as if afraid to touch his. “Hey, are you hurt?”

Karkat shook his head. “I was swimming back to my boat and I got horrible fucking cramps in my foot and calf. Then I just had a little trouble, you know, with access to breathable air.”

Immediately Strider started working his fingers into Karkat’s calf muscles. His hands were surprisingly strong. “What the flying fuck were you thinking, not wearing a life vest in that tiny ass boat going so fast? Do you know how dangerous that is?” Strider’s worried eyes looked closely into Karkat’s.

Karkat smirked. “I wasn’t really planning on going for a midday swim.”

Strider huffed out a breath. “You were the dumb motherfucker who followed me in your rent-a-boat. But I’m sorry I pretty much knocked you out of it.”

Fuck, time to nut up or shut up, Karkat guessed.

Lowering his eyes, Karkat apologized. “Look. I’m sorry for…ugh. For being so goddamn creepy. It’s been tough finding writing jobs even though,” He met Strider’s eyes briefly” I am fucking amazing at writing.” Karkat sighed. “I am a colossal fuckup but even I know I pushed too far this time. I saw your interview and it gave me the idea that I needed to do something to show my commitment.”

Strider snorted. Karkat gave him the stinkeye. “If you are quite done being amused at my plight, I was trying to be serious there!”

Strider laughed outright. He sat back on his heels and gave Karkat another onceover. He stood up and offered Karkat his hand. “Alright, boat creep. I might as well see what you got.”

“I told you, my name is Karkat.” Karkat rolled his eyes, then froze. “Wait, what?”

Strider gave a lopsided shrug, hand still outstretched. “Yeah, I figure I might as well see if you are as ‘fucking amazing at writing’ as you say. No promises though. You might actually suck like a professional hooker though and just need someone to tell you.”

Karkat finally reached out and took Strider’s hand and stood up. “I..okay what?”

Strider blushed. “I meant your writing might suck, obviously.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Whatever. You know you’re going to love it.”


	3. What's the Verdict, Dave?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot how fun writing fanfiction can be! Thank you to everyone who is reading/kudos/commenting because you are awesome and you are my energy and motivation when I have none. You rock my socks! <3

After towing both Karkat and his boat back to the harbor, Dave gave Karkat his email address and they parted ways. Dave drove back to his twin sister, Rose’s house from the harbor. He always stayed at her house when he stayed in Bronze Bay. She liked to complain about the mess he made when he visited, but she was just as much of a slob as he was and he knew she secretly loved the company.

Dave kicked off his shoes and entered the living room. Rose had papers spread out on the couch and her computer open on her lap. She was a psychology professor at a nearby college and had been grading some papers. She glanced up when he came in. 

“Back from your rejuvenating one-on-one session with _Your Mom_?”

“Jesus, Rose. How and why do you never forget a single thing I say? I mentioned thinking of naming her that ONCE.”

“I’m offended. I’m only doing what you asked. You said the first time you stood on that yacht, and I quote, ‘I’m on a boat, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget!’ I am simple taking my duty to ‘never forget’ seriously.”

“So much snarky horseshit. You got to stop feeding that horse straight laxatives. It’s gonna get like rotten bowels or something and then you will have a dead horse on your hands. And what are you going to do with a dead horse, Rose? What are you going to do about that?”

Rose tapped her cheek. “I guess I’d run out of horseshit and we can’t have that. As for the horse itself, I’d probably make you bury it.”

Dave made a face. “Why me?”

Rose lifted an eyebrow. “Because you were the reason I used so much horseshit in the first place.”

Dave snagged his laptop from the coffee table and plopped into a comfy armchair. “Anyway, so to answer your original question, it was fucking weird. I met a really hot, kind of creepy but not really guy who wants to write my biography. He chased me on this powerboat he rented, and then I kinda made him fall off his boat and he almost drowned. I gave him my email so he could send me some of his stuff to read.”

Rose stared Dave for a moment, mouth slightly agape. “I’m sorry. It sounds like someone chased you down while you were isolated and alone. When you talked to him, you found out that all he wanted was literally everything to know about you, and to profit off of it. Then, when you rightly protected yourself, he guilted you into getting what he wanted. Is that about the gist of it?”

Dave leaned forward, hands held out placatingly. “No Rose, fuck. It wasn’t like that at all.” He paused. “Okay, so it was kind of like that, but I only told him I’d look at his writing. I didn’t promise him anything.”

Rose set her laptop down on the couch next to her. “Dave, you know I consider you intelligent and capable. But now that you are more well-known people may want to take advantage of your better nature. Did he follow you here?”

Dave shook his head. “No. He was returning his boat when I left. Anyways, I really didn’t get that vibe from him. Yeah, what he did was weird, but he seemed more desperate to prove himself to someone than creepy about me specifically.”

Rose rubbed her temple. “How did he find you? Your yacht is pretty low key and this isn’t where you normally live. He must have done some deep research to find you here.”  
Dave grimaced. “Uh,” He said. “That’s on me. I kind of fucked up an interview and mentioned Bronze Bay.” 

Rose frowned. “I thought you liked coming here because no one knew you here.”

“I know!” Dave complained. “One fucking slip. I’m sorry Rose, I hope this doesn’t mess up anything for you.”

Rose sighed. “You know I’m only concerned for your safety, Dave.” She said. 

“Yeah. I know. Thanks.”

“So. You mentioned something about this guy being…really hot?”

Dave fought a blush and said. “What? Maybe.”

Rose pretended to look over a pair of glasses. “Could this budding attraction be why you are so willing to forgive this man’s indiscretions and give him the benefit of the doubt?”

“No! Look Rose, that’s not it. Like I said, he just seems like he wants a chance. I don’t think he did it for the wrong reasons.”

“I supposed I will trust you on this. For now.” Rose replied. She picked up her computer and put it back on her lap, signifying the end of the conversation.

While Dave wasn’t in any sort of rush to spill his life story to the public like a capsized oil tanker in the middle of the ocean that spread its greasy tendrils choking the life out of every innocent creature it touched, he didn’t wait long before digging into Karkat’s proffered writing examples. 

Dave perused the files that Karkat sent him on his computer. The examples turned out to be more like full-length novels. 

Romance novels.

Dave opened one of the files, and was almost unwillingly sucked in.

“Holy shit. Rose, you’ve got to read this.”

“Hmm?” Rose looked up from her work. 

“I don’t know what is more amazing. The fact that this guy, Karkat, sent me full-length romance novels that he has written as his resume, OR the fact that they are actually pretty fucking good. Like, in this one, which is kind of a sci-fi one as well, he has created a whole new intricate system of romance for this society.”

Dave wasn't even finished speaking before his laptop vanished from his lap and onto Rose’s.

“Hey, give it back, I’ll just send the files to you.”

She held out a hand absently while her eyes darted across the screen. “Shh.”

Dave rolled his eyes and snatched Rose’s laptop where it lay discarded on the couch next to her. He would just open his email on this one and pick up where he left off.   
Really, he didn’t know how this type of writing would lend itself to a biography, much less one on his fucking loop de loop rollercoaster of a life. Had he even been alive long enough to have a biography written about him? Either way, this book Karkat sent him was fucking interesting and he knew a good story when he saw it. 

Though he if was honest with himself, he wasn’t reading it just for the story.  
He felt like colors got brighter when he met Karkat, and he wasn’t about to let this opportunity slide.


	4. Seriously Karkat, Why did you send him Romance Novels?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Karkat's POV.

“What the blistering pustule on bigfoot’s hairy dick just happened?” 

“Oh god Karkat, you really did it, didn’t you? Did he have you arrested? Are you calling me from jail with your one phone call?”

“Terezi. I know you have my ringtone set to “Hot n Cold” by Katy Perry to commemorate our nigh apocalyptic high school relationship. That wouldn’t play if I was calling you from piss-stank prison.”

She cackled so loudly he had to pull the phone away from his ear. “Dur, I know! So what happened? Give me all the juicy details!”

Karkat raked his free hand through his dark, curly hair. “Ugh. Okay. Don’t say anything until I’m done, because I know now that the way I went about this was as massively fucking brain hemorrhagingly awful as..well. A goddamn brain hemorrhage. But, I think it actually turned out fucking okay. More than okay, in fact.”

Terezi remained silent, but Karkat could almost see that question mark face thing Terezi somehow manages to do.

Karkat continued, expelling the story like a long string of word vomit. 

“Okay, so after waiting on this tiny boat for 50 years, I catch sight of this fucker and go to talk to him. I…colossally fucked that up like two whales in the ocean in the throes of mating season except one isn’t a whale, it is a giant squid and not only have they fucked, but now they are fucking each other up.”

“Karkat, you lost me on that one.”

“Quiet, no interrupting. That ornery windbag must have rubbed me off…”

Terezi burst out laughing. “Karkat, oh my god! That wasn’t even subtle.”

Karkat blushed fiercely and smacked himself in the face. “Shut up!! I meant rubbed off on me and you know it!”

Terezi continued laughing, snorting occasionally. 

“Argh! ANYWAY, I fucked that up, so I more or less chased him down on my boat. I caught up again, he was a fucking moron so we got into an argument. I then made a questionable choice, and tried to chase him down again.”

Terezi snorted again. “….How were you not arrested?”

“My copious good looks and effervescent and gracious charm, obviously.”

“Seriously, though.”

“Not a fucking clue.” He blew out a breath. “I’m not even near done yet. The second time he raced off when I was trying to talk to him, he broke out the fucking loom because he was weaving between those waves like they were a goddamn tapestry. I kept up well for knowing fuck all about boating, but you might as well call me Captain Edward J. Smith because I hit one of those waves like it was an iceberg and I was the fucking titanic. I flew overboard and while the boat didn’t sink, I almost did.”

Terezi whistled slowly and reverently asked, “What the fuck. You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. So Strider must have seen me fly out because he came back and saved my dumb ass and towed me back. And also agreed to look at my work? Which is the most batshit stupid braindead thing ever, but fuck me sideways with a rusty lobster trap if I’m not going to take him up on it.”

“Holy shit, I can’t believe you got Dave Strider to check out your work! He is ridiculously famous. And with that crazy backasswards plan, too! Jesus, Karkat. I don’t know what the fuck you did right, but you clearly did something. Man, I wish I went with you. That sounded so cool!”

“Fuck you, Terezi, of course I did something right! So I just got my ass back to my apartment, and I sent him some of my writing. Shit, I should have chosen a wider selection of writing samples other than the romance ones, though they are national fucking treasures the likes that his pretty dumb face has never experienced. I am going to send him some more, hang on.”

“Karkat, wait! Knowing you, you’ve already inundated him with stuff to read. Let him digest it. If he asks for more variety, then give it to him. I’ve read your work, and I know it is great. I don’t know why you haven’t just published those, and before you go off, no I am not starting that argument again right now. But relax. Give him a chance to actually read your shit before you release a veritable diarrhea of prose in his general direction.”

“Fuck. You’re right. I know you’re right. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Sit here and wait until my boredom becomes so intense I actually start to decompose from within, just to have something to do? Because if I do that Terezi, I promise you that the stench I will accrue will be so foul that it will travel across this whole bay and burn your olfactory neurons right out of your nostrils and you will be straight fucked.”

“Well I’ve already been straight fucked by you so that wouldn’t be anything new.” Terezi drawled.

Karkat spluttered and blushed. At this rate, his blush was going to become a permanent part of his face. “Terezi, oh my god!”

Terezi snickered. “Relaaax! I think you secretly want Mr. Famous Producer anyways.”

“That’s it, I’m coming over and taking you to the hospital. You must have had a severe brain injury or some kind of new and serious disease to be spewing shit like that all over the place. Look at it, it’s on the walls and everything, Terezi.” 

She snorted. “All right. Come on over, dork. Gotta keep you occupied while you wait for your future lover to email you back.”

Karkat groaned. “I slipped up one time. ONE TIME.”

Karkat could practically hear Terezi’s mile-wide grin. “Aww, Karkat. You know that is all it takes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is what Terezi is silently asking Karkat, even though she already knows the answer.


	5. Rose: Instigate

The next morning found Dave sitting and staring at his open computer rereading Karkat’s work, at which he had been for over an hour. Rose was sitting and knitting something in quick motions on the couch. Both of them had stayed up late the previous evening reading Karkat’s writing.

Dave rubbed his dry eyes under his shades and abruptly sat up straight. “All right, I'm gonna do it.”

Rose lightly started. “What?”

“I’m going to tell Karkat he can write my biography.”

“Oh, you haven’t already? Whoops.” Rose pulled her lips inwards in a slightly insincere guilty gesture.

Dave got a sinking feeling in his gut. “...Rose. What does ‘Whoops.’ Mean?”

“Generally, it is an indication that a mistake has been made.”

“Rose.”

She huffed out a breath. “I have already relayed an email to Karkat. I noticed his email address on your computer and I wanted to discuss the nature and intricacies of his writing. I may have also issued a…. warning of what would transpire if anything were to happen to you.”

Dave raked his hands through his hair, tugging at the strands in frustration. “Shit. Rose. Whyyyy? Why you gotta be like this?”

Rose opened her mouth to retort, but Dave interrupted before she could speak. “I mean, I know why. You are looking out for me, like you said. But I can manage this fine on my own and I know how you can come off to people you threaten. You probably got the guy shitting his pants so hard he is a diarrhea fountain in the middle of town square right now. Jesus. Did you at least hear back from him?”

Rose rolled her eyes at Dave. “You are exaggerating. And I wasn’t lying before, I did really ask him about his writing. I find some of his systems of romance and polyamory in his novels intriguing.”

Dave leaned forward a bit, frowning. “Okay, so…?”

Rose mimicked him. “So?”

“Did you hear back from the guy?”

Rose leaned back and made herself comfortable in the couch. “I did. Karkat is a verbose man with a rather colorful vocabulary and penchant for unfortunate metaphors, much like yourself.” She pulled out her phone and tapped it a few times. “Here, you can read his response for yourself.”

Dave nabbed the phone from Rose and quickly read through the email. He snorted. “Dude does not mince his words. And he writes in all caps, oh my god. You know what, he sounds likes he would be the kind of person to do that. I bet whoever edits his writing made him change that so people could actually read it.” Dave kept reading. “Jesus, this apology/rant goes on forever. I’m gonna let you two hash that one out. And the stuff on the romance… no thanks. I won’t lie, I liked what he wrote in the books, but the overly technically explanations are NOT my thing. Oh shit, he put his phone number down here.”

He looked up at Rose, who had been watching him with a glint in her eye. “I daresay he did, brother dear.”

“Well now I have to call him.”

Rose tilted her head in faux innocence. “Oh, why is that?”

“He already knows we both read his shit. And each second that I wait that diarrhea fountain in the square keeps on spouting more and more brown flow. It’s about to cause a tidal wave and cause a citywide evacuation. I can’t be party to that, Rose. I just can’t.”

Rose shook her head, smiling. “Then by all means, stop those waves of anal leakage before they wreck anymore fair domiciles. “

Dave tapped in the number from the email and held the phone to his ear before he could think better of it. “Already on it.”

It rang a couple of times before Karkat answered. “If this is another spam call, I swear to GOD I will reach in through the phone and delete my number from each and every single one of your fucking lists! I know you are just doing your jobs and are trying to survive, but GODDAMN IT! THIS IS THE 16th ONE THIS WEEK! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LIVE LIKE THIS??” He panted for a moment, regaining his breath.

Dave let out a surprised laugh. “Holy shit, dude. Do you answer the phone like that every time?”

Karkat practically growled. “I fucking do now, assface! Now who are you and what do you want?”

“Reign in your galloping tits, bro. It’s Dave Strider. You know, the famous and outrageously good-looking producer that you chased down in your boat yesterday, then proceeded to serenade with full length romance novels.”

There’s silence for several moments.

“Look, if you are calling to tell me to fuck off, you can save it. I know I colossally fucked up yesterday, like making it to the Olympics, tripping at the starting gate to fall and shatter my kneecap, then choke on my own spit and die while millions of people watched, level of fucked up. Then sending you those romance novels, which are MASTERPIECES MIND YOU, probably just exacerbated the problem by not being at all what you actually asked for.” Karkat’s voice had steadily escalated in both volume and hysteria throughout his rant, leaving Dave to pull the phone slightly away from his ear.

“Yeah dude, your books were cool. Well, not cool per say, but good. Really good.”

“OH, and another thing! I got an email from someone claiming to be your sister this morning and.” Karkat paused suddenly. “Wait, what?”

Dave snickered into his hand. “Rose and I both read what you sent me and I gotta say while I wasn’t expected to be carefully seduced with well written romance, it was pretty damn tantalizing.”

Karkat breathed in sharply. “Are you totally serious right now? You are not shitting me around?”

Dave tried to maintain an even voice, but the grin on his face escaped through the words. “How do you shit somebody around?”

“Shove it, numbnuts. You know what I mean.”

Dave’s grin got bigger. He wished he could see Karkat’s face right now. “No, I need you to explain this to me. What does that mean?”

“It’s when a gaping undulating asshole takes something completely innocuous and SHITS ALL OVER IT.”

Dave mock pouted, even though he knew Karkat couldn’t see him. “Karkat, I’m wounded. I believe you are shitting all around on my sincere inquiry.”

“I hate you SO MUCH right now, the hate I feel could generate enough energy for the entire earth until the heat death of the sun!” It was too easy to get this guy riled up and Dave found that he enjoyed it immensely.

Smirking, Dave continued to poke fun. “You know, in terms of the universe that is not actually that long.”

“FUCK YOU. Did you call me just to antagonize me???”

“I feel like we are getting off track here.” Dave ran his hand through his hair, gathering his thoughts. “I called you because even though I dunno how much experience you actually have writing biographies, I figure I’ll give you a chance. We can work together and jam with all our thoughts and feelings and shit. And you can use all your romance mojo and writing magics to whip up a tasty biography pie. You can be the Karkat crust and I will be the creamy Dave filling.” Rose snickered from her seat on the couch and Dave shot her a dirty look while waiting for Karkat to reply.

“Okay….” Karkat started. “So this is happening?”

Dave’s face lit up in glee. “Where doing it man. Where MAKING THIS HAPEN.”

“Uhg, why did I think chasing you down was a good idea? You are going to make my life a living nightmare.” Despite his words, Dave could hear a smile in Karkat’s voice.

“Because you wanted to see this shapely Strider ass in person. Speaking of, we need to meet up so we can figure out how to do this.”

“Right, okay.” Dave heard some shuffling over the line as Karkat spoke. “So I don’t know how comfortable you are with going out in public places, being the famous fucker you are. We could either meet somewhere like a coffee place for a while until we feel more comfortable, or you could come over to my apartment. Or if your sister, who I still need to email back, wants to make sure I’m not some sort of axe murderer, she can come too. Actually, she had some good questions in her email as well. I would like to talk to her anyways, she sounds interesting. What option sounds good to you for now?”

Dave held out his free hand in a ‘woah nelly’ sort of motion. “First off, don’t go getting a boner for Rose. I mean, I get it. She’s fuckin rad and hot as hell, but A. She’s my sister so she’s off limits. And B. She’s not generally into dudes. I say generally because there’s been a couple times I’ve questioned but like, she’s def Sappho and oh, she’s giving me SUCH a look right now. I probably shouldn’t have called her hot then questioned her sexuality.”

Dave heard a light smack and a groan over the phone. “Oh my god, you are such a mess. How are you so successful? You know what? No, I’ll save that for the book. And you didn’t actually answer my question, so I’m going to go ahead and decide. We, including Rose if she can, are going to meet tomorrow at _Caffeine and Cat Fiend_ at 9:30. My friend owns the café, so it should be okay in case any trouble happens.”

Dave fluttered his eyelashes even though he is talking to Karkat on the phone. He pitched his voice higher, flirtatious. “In case someone hot decides to chase me when I am alone and unaware?”

Karkat was quiet. The “hot” comment must have gone right over his head. Or maybe it made him uncomfortable. The awkward silence dragged on, hoping someone would come and put it out of its misery behind the barn before too long.

Oh fuck, maybe Karkat was straight? Just because a dude persistently chased a guy down doesn’t mean he wanted to bone him.

Dave opened his mouth to continue this train of thought audibly when Karkat spoke instead.

“I’m sorry.” Karkat sighed. “It was mind-blowingly shitty of me to stalk you like that and you probably should of just had me arrested. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you didn’t. While _ridiculously_ frustrating to talk to, I think you are a surprisingly good person. Better than me at any rate. I wasn’t expecting you to be…you. Or to feel this bad about what I did. I’m sorry I did that to another person and I’m even more sorry I did that to you.”

Dave pushed shades up in his hair and rubbed his eyes. This conversation was giving him emotional whiplash. “Not gonna lie, Karkat. I’m glad to hear you say that. I don’t know what’s happened in your life that made you feel like that was something you had to do and you don’t gotta tell me right now, though some sort of explanation in the future would be cool. I don’t think you are dangerous, but tomorrow we will hash out some boundaries so lines don’t get crossed. Also, if you feel like doing something that stupid again, let me know and we can figure it out, okay?”

Karkat’s voice had gone emotional and gravelly. “Fuck. Okay, yeah. That’s fair.”

Not wanting to end the conversation leaving Karkat feeling like a sack of breaded and fried turds, Dave lightened his tone. “Then we’re cool. Oh, and I was totes serious before. No mackin on Rose, tomorrow. She will eat you alive.”

Dave could sense the eyeroll through the phone. “Ugh, I am not going to hit on your sister, Dave. I don’t even know her.”

“Cool, cool. So, are you not going to hit on her because I told you not to, or because you don’t like women, or…?”

“I’m going to hang up the phone now. I’ll see you tomorrow. _Caffeine and Cat Fiend_. 9:30.” With that, the line went dead.

Dave looked over at Rose to find her staring at him, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

“Not. One. Word. Rose. Not one damned word.”

She grinned, and opened her mouth to speak.


End file.
